A Classically Trained Actor!

heres a wee oldie, but goldie.  Based on true events and a person who needs no introduction around here.

 

A CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTOR

Here is the tale of a classically trained actor,
Who’s talents wouldn’t be out of place on the x-factor,
He’s efficient at photography, acting and mincing,
And out of the three, the last one’s most convincing.

He helps the bands set up on a friday night,
When he’s not doing this he’s usually spouting some shite,
About all the ideas he has in his head,
Well he should have plenty, it’s as big as a shed.

He majors in drama, in case you didn’t know,
And he loves nothing better than putting on a show,
‘Rocky Horror’, ‘Moulin Rouge’ and the rest are all fine,
But his greatest achievement will be his very own pantomime.

‘How you doin’?’ is his catchphrase, like joey from FRIENDS,
And his choice of shirts usually often offends,
He’s one with the ladies, offering lollipops cheap,
While the DJ spins a tune in his honour – Radiodheads ‘CREEP’.

His acting is ropey and DJing quite shitty,
But even he couldn’t fail an audition for RIVER CITY,
He often complains I don’t play his requests,
But when you ask for KID ROCK, what the hell do you expect.

When it comes to the camera, It’s never far away,
Pictures of bands and people drunk, he just loves to display,
Whether its MARK with a hoover or myself dressed in drag,
Thank yourself lucky Colin, he never got your bawbag.

Well thats a little insight to our talented friend,
But talking with him too much will drive you round the bend,
Better in small doses, or with a pinch of salt,
Add tequila and lime, and the pain must surely halt.

‘It’s good to talk’ said BOB HOSKINS for B.T.,
But not when the talkings directed at me,
Time for the cash desk and give us a break,
Away and annoy some other fucker for Christs sake.

It’s the end of the night, and talk turns to a party,
‘Is he coming along?’, ‘Oh! really, does he have to?’,
As long as he stays in the kitchen all night,
Because the last time he came through, you know what happened?
………………….THAT’S RIGHT!

THE END.

Tropic Thunder

 ’Tropic Thunder’ sends up the whole of Hollywood hilariously, from the people behind the camera such as directors, writers and agents to the hugely inflamed egos of the actors that appear in front of the camera.

 The film basically tells the story of how a bunch of actors, trying to make a war film which is going disasterously wrong, who end up actually in the middle of a real war zone. But they’re too much into their acting, or art or maybe just too damn thick to know what the hell’s going on.

   Ben stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jnr. have a scream playing their characters in this film. Whether its Tugg Speedman (Stiller),  the fading action star who wants to be taken seriously, Jeff Portnoy (Black),  the comedy star who feels people only laugh at his fart jokes and has a massive drugs problem or Kirk Lazarus (Downey),  the serious multi-oscar winning method actor  who delves so much into his roles that for this film he has surgically dyed his skin to transform himself into a black man.  Then for most of the film he seems to believe that he is actually black.

 They even come with trailers for films these actors have coming out. Best of the bunch has to be Downey Jnrs one where hes a confused man of the church, who questions faith, god and his own sexuality and has  Toby Macguire in a blink and you’ll almost miss it cameo role. By the time that the forthcoming films title is revealed as SATAN’S ALLEY, you really do wish that this film existed. It would be comedy gold.

  Best of any cameo role that appears in this film is the one of Tom Cruise, which really has to be seen to be believed. Its the most unexpected role you would ever expect him to play, and is funny as hell because of this,  and once again shows what an underatted actor he is.  If he would only stop trying to be the Son of Scientology and just get back to what he does best.

 Theres plenty to laugh at here, and im sure other small jokes will get picked up on repeated viewings.

  This film isnt to be taken seriously, but it is seriously on the ball about how people in the film world get caught up with the whole utter madness of it all, and then become overblown caricatures of themselves.

   Im sure there will be plenty of hollywood people that will squirm nervously when having to sit through this film, as it may be more real than they care to let on about how they all behave in the wonderful make believe world of movies.