A Classically Trained Actor!

heres a wee oldie, but goldie.  Based on true events and a person who needs no introduction around here.



Here is the tale of a classically trained actor,
Who’s talents wouldn’t be out of place on the x-factor,
He’s efficient at photography, acting and mincing,
And out of the three, the last one’s most convincing.

He helps the bands set up on a friday night,
When he’s not doing this he’s usually spouting some shite,
About all the ideas he has in his head,
Well he should have plenty, it’s as big as a shed.

He majors in drama, in case you didn’t know,
And he loves nothing better than putting on a show,
‘Rocky Horror’, ‘Moulin Rouge’ and the rest are all fine,
But his greatest achievement will be his very own pantomime.

‘How you doin’?’ is his catchphrase, like joey from FRIENDS,
And his choice of shirts usually often offends,
He’s one with the ladies, offering lollipops cheap,
While the DJ spins a tune in his honour – Radiodheads ‘CREEP’.

His acting is ropey and DJing quite shitty,
But even he couldn’t fail an audition for RIVER CITY,
He often complains I don’t play his requests,
But when you ask for KID ROCK, what the hell do you expect.

When it comes to the camera, It’s never far away,
Pictures of bands and people drunk, he just loves to display,
Whether its MARK with a hoover or myself dressed in drag,
Thank yourself lucky Colin, he never got your bawbag.

Well thats a little insight to our talented friend,
But talking with him too much will drive you round the bend,
Better in small doses, or with a pinch of salt,
Add tequila and lime, and the pain must surely halt.

‘It’s good to talk’ said BOB HOSKINS for B.T.,
But not when the talkings directed at me,
Time for the cash desk and give us a break,
Away and annoy some other fucker for Christs sake.

It’s the end of the night, and talk turns to a party,
‘Is he coming along?’, ‘Oh! really, does he have to?’,
As long as he stays in the kitchen all night,
Because the last time he came through, you know what happened?
………………….THAT’S RIGHT!



Tropic Thunder

 ‘Tropic Thunder’ sends up the whole of Hollywood hilariously, from the people behind the camera such as directors, writers and agents to the hugely inflamed egos of the actors that appear in front of the camera.

 The film basically tells the story of how a bunch of actors, trying to make a war film which is going disasterously wrong, who end up actually in the middle of a real war zone. But they’re too much into their acting, or art or maybe just too damn thick to know what the hell’s going on.

   Ben stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jnr. have a scream playing their characters in this film. Whether its Tugg Speedman (Stiller),  the fading action star who wants to be taken seriously, Jeff Portnoy (Black),  the comedy star who feels people only laugh at his fart jokes and has a massive drugs problem or Kirk Lazarus (Downey),  the serious multi-oscar winning method actor  who delves so much into his roles that for this film he has surgically dyed his skin to transform himself into a black man.  Then for most of the film he seems to believe that he is actually black.

 They even come with trailers for films these actors have coming out. Best of the bunch has to be Downey Jnrs one where hes a confused man of the church, who questions faith, god and his own sexuality and has  Toby Macguire in a blink and you’ll almost miss it cameo role. By the time that the forthcoming films title is revealed as SATAN’S ALLEY, you really do wish that this film existed. It would be comedy gold.

  Best of any cameo role that appears in this film is the one of Tom Cruise, which really has to be seen to be believed. Its the most unexpected role you would ever expect him to play, and is funny as hell because of this,  and once again shows what an underatted actor he is.  If he would only stop trying to be the Son of Scientology and just get back to what he does best.

 Theres plenty to laugh at here, and im sure other small jokes will get picked up on repeated viewings.

  This film isnt to be taken seriously, but it is seriously on the ball about how people in the film world get caught up with the whole utter madness of it all, and then become overblown caricatures of themselves.

   Im sure there will be plenty of hollywood people that will squirm nervously when having to sit through this film, as it may be more real than they care to let on about how they all behave in the wonderful make believe world of movies.

Published in: on September 30, 2008 at 6:48 am  Leave a Comment  

Lunacy In The Sky With Diamonds

Lunatics form an orderly queue,
don’t worry at the back, im sure i’ll get to you,
Im a magnet for insanity, no need to complain,
im like a walking advert for the mentally insane.

Jack Nicholson would fly over my cuckoos nest,
and i’d probably still lose at marbles if i had any left,
each day is a crazy, mental, mixed up mess,
does lunacy never ever seem to take a rest?

Published in: on September 29, 2008 at 11:24 pm  Leave a Comment  


It looks like a new avenue has opened up for me as a real live Motherfucker!

if i took this up, whats the pay package like? is there some sort of bonus scheme? what kind of tax code would i be on?

i opened up my bebo page to find 3 messages waiting for me. wow, i thought, im mr popular today.

message number 1………….

Hi cutie! Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?

My mom is single again and she wants to find a guy she can have fun with. Her idea of a great first date would include wine, flowers, cheesecake, coffee and some dancing. Maybe you have a better idea, what would you propose? Don’t hold back, she’s the adventurous type! She’s not looking for a one-night stand however, sorry. She loves to laugh, so maybe throw a couple of jokes her way 🙂 I’m sure you will find her very attractive. She hates wearing too much makeup or perfume. She has perfect skin and an hourglass figure. She loves the color blue. If you’re looking for an outgoing, fun and easy-going woman, then reply back, don..t be shy.
Since this is my account though, please send your reply to her email address at lisa_thorsted at yahoo. com.

fuck the cheesecake for a start, that would be my first proposal.

and an hourglass figure, wow, someone to tell me when my eggs are ready.

then message number 2……………………

Hello, how are you? My mom read your dating ad and would like to meet you.

If you write back, you should email her at lisa_vignocchi at yahoo. com.

She would like to date and if you hit it off, she’d like to play it by ear. She’s been single for a while now and wants a new start. Her sort of guy would enjoy many of the things she does. She loves television, dancing, reading, going to bars, catching movies and listening to music. She also loves shopping and traveling. She has a youthful appearance and a gorgeous body.
She always complains that she does not get adequate exercise! I hope you can help her 😉

That’s it for me! It’s your turn stud.

adequate excercise!!!! may i suggest she gets on her fucking bike, or even take a hike!

and finally message number 3……………………………

Hi sweetie! Her lips are skittles, wanna taste the rainbow?

You’re hard to miss! I was browsing the site with my mother; she’s looking for a fun guy to date. We saw your profile page and fell in lust. She really likes you and wants to meet. She’s been single for a few months. She briefly tried the dating scene, but she wasted her time. She’s looking for a man that won’t play head games or who is not a cheater. She’s beautiful and is a bit of a flirt. She loves to go out and to have a good time. She also likes to watch television and movies, but she needs some doses of physical activity. She has plenty of interests, you can discuss them with her, I know you’ll have some in common. She’s original, compassionate and outgoing. BTW, this is not her account, so please don’t reply directly to my message.
Instead, send your reply to her email address at lisa_dantzler_g at yahoo. com.

her lips are like skittles!!!! now theres a line to bowl someone over.

and she fell in lust with my profile!!! what????
did her guide dog go barking fucking mad or something like that.

now im up for a bit of adventure and this is at least a new one, obviously all the sex crazed nigerian woman are hibernating at the moment.

call me mad, but i havent added any of these email addresses, but if any of you guys want to give it a go, feel free. and dont worry, i wont tell anybody.

Mums the word! ha

but wouldnt i be cool if someone called you a motherfucker and you could reply “why yes, i am a motherfucker, so any time youre not running back to mommy crying into her shoulder, just give me a shout and i’ll come round and help her out”

had to share this with you guys.

over and motherfucking out!!!!!!

Published in: on September 29, 2008 at 11:14 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Lovely Bones

I like to get lost in a good book that takes you to some magical, and sometimes dark places, and allows to let your mind wander free. One of the best ones ive read this year, so far, is ‘the lovely bones’ by alice sebold. its an excellent story which will definetely have you thinking of many things as you travel through the story.
it tells the story of suzie who is 14 years old. and dead. not only do you know who has murdered her at the beginning of the book but it is suzie who actually tells the story, from heaven.
the book isnt really about the man who murdered her, or even about hunting him down and bringing him to justice but is more about how people deal or dont deal with life after someone who was close to them or who they knew is taken away from them. how people grow and deal with things in their own way and try to get on with their life, every person affected in totally different ways.the book is already in the process of being turned into a film, which is always a cry of alarm knowing how hard the journey is for a good book to make it to the big screen and still have it keep some of its magic that had first touched you when you read it.
well peter jackson, of lord of the rings fame, is directing the film and considering his amazing directing skills on these films, as well as the likes of heavenly creatures and the frighteners, could mean that he could deliver a truly magical and moving film.the films not going to be with us till next year, so just go out and find the book and enjoy.
Published in: on September 29, 2008 at 11:06 pm  Leave a Comment  

I bet she’s voting for Dukakis!

well this is a little story from a while back but thought it deserves to be up here and will help kick off my views, and some other random peoples views of the film world.

Not so long ago i was stoating about the bargains in woolies when i heard this woman point at a film and say to her friend
“thats the worse film thats ever been made”

as i love films and was curious as to what she was referring to, i hovered about until she told her friend that the film she was talking about was DONNIE DARKO.
she said that her ex had went on and on about it and when she finally watched it she said it was the biggest piece of shite she had ever seen. and then she said that she wrapped it up and gave it to him for a christmas present.

Donnie Darko is many things to many people, but anyone simply dismissing it as shite clearly shouldnt be allowed to watch films.

She probably thinks that steven seagal is not only a top action star but the recipe for a great night in, that martin lawrence is the funniest man in the world and that when a stranger calls was one of the most orginal, frightening experiences of her life.


theres a reason he may be your ex you know!

tune in next week when a random reviewer in the asda aisles tells us that she was looking forward to seeing Denzel Washington in De Ja Vu, but once it had finished she declared that she had “seen it all before”!

Published in: on September 29, 2008 at 5:58 pm  Leave a Comment  

You can get it all, in Senegal!

 Have you ever had one of those crazy e-mails from god knows where around the world, from a total stranger telling you how that, even though you havent met, your paths had been crossed by destiny a long time ago. And that they feel after spending all of 30 seconds browsing your picture on the internet that they believe its time to pack up and head over to be with you for the rest of their lives.

  And more importantly, does anyone ever fall for it?

 now you may indulge them for a laugh, as i’ve done in the past, but it soon gets down to the nitty gritty and you’re being asked to put some money into a bank account or arrange to send some money out. Are these people mental?

 Its time we turned the tables and played them at their own game.

 I decided to take one of these emails up on their offer and sent my reply.

 I’m not sure how far away Senegal is, but i still havent heard anything back from dear old Helen.


My name is helen, i saw your profile today and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you more,and if you can send an email to my email address,i will give you my pictures here is my email address (helenwilliams4you@yahoo.

com) I believe we can move from here! Awaiting for your mail to my email address above helen

and my reply would be……..

dear helen, i was looking through thousands of pages and came across yours, you stuck out instantly (although you dont even have a photo)
i was thinking that we are destiny, dont bother moving, im coming over to senegal to be with you.

ive got fuck all money, and just packed in my job, but im sure there will be room enough for the two of us and our 16 children in your air conditioned hut.

no point sending you an email or photo, im boarding the plane right now, and will be there before you know it.

get the dinner on honey!!!
 Its all Bollocks! We know its all a money scam and not really some hot thing so mentally deranged that one look at our mug shots has them instantly wetting their pants.

Published in: on September 29, 2008 at 12:41 pm  Comments (1)  

Ooh to be…..Nah!

 There were many things that ran through my head yesterday, while sitting in a friends kitchen, catching up on the town gossip, while happily sipping away at my cider and enjoying the odd herbal smoke, while some dodgy 80s compilation cd was nostalgically, soundtracking the afternoon.

    But what really kept nagging me was just how pointless Kajagoogoo really were, or more to the point, was ‘ooh to be aah’, the follow up to their big 1983 surprise smash hit single, ‘Too Shy’, the most useless piece of music recorded.

 Luckily, as i do on quite a few occassions, i kept these thoughts to myself, but really, even trying to hum along to this tune, if that’s the word, i found myself wondering why this song existed.

 ‘Too Shy’ was the bands 15 minutes of fame, a synth-tinged classic, produced by Duran Durans Nick Rhodes, and proceeded his own bands first encounter with the number one spot by a few months.

  ‘Ooh to be Aah’ quickly followed into the top ten, but still remains a mystery as to how this song was ever allowed to leave the recording studio. It copies ‘Too Shys’ slow build intro, but actually forgets to stick anything resembling a tune after this, which leaves you, for the next two or three minutes, listening to limahl bizarrely oohing and aahing in search a long lost melody that would always be out of the bands reach.

  Fair play to Limahl, who decided that enough was enough and left to pursue a solo career, while the band charted for a third time that year with the aptly titled ‘Hang On Now’. More along the lines of ‘hang on, what the hells going on here?’ rather than, ‘Hang on in there, everythings gonna be fine’.

  With Nick Beggs taking over vocal duties for the band, they found themselves, briefly, back in the top ten with ‘Big Apple’. A catchy little tune that gave everyone, who cared, false hope of a long(er) shelf life for the band. But less than a year later, ‘The Lions Mouth’ was struggling to get into the top 30 and ‘Turn Your Back On Me’ failed to dent the top 40, just as their fans actually took this advice, and turned their backs on this bands short brush with pop fame.

 Meanwhile Limahl grasped at the top 5 once again, with the iressistable ‘Never Ending Story’. A guilty pleasure for many people, too scared to openly admit this.

 I have no problem with this song at all, although do have a few issues with the film of the same name that this song accompanied.

  Imagine your surpirse as a kid in the mid 80s, travelling to the local cinema for the ritual saturday afternoon matinee, to see the words ‘NEVER ENDING STORY’ displayed in all their glory. And imagine your horror after only 90 odd minutes of this fantasy land……the film finishes!

 Eh, hello! didnt i just buy a ticket for the NEVER ending story. Its false advertsing gone awol. And dont even get me started on parts 2 and 3!

  Anyway, probably because he couldnt get his head around the whole concept that he wasnt going to have a never ending music career, the tunes soon dried up for Limahl, as they had for Kajagoogoo (or Kaja as they hilariously renamed themselves for a failed attempt at a comeback).

  The one thing youve gotta say for these guys is that they dont believe in giving up easily.

  Only last year the band were back at another stab at the pop world with a new song entitled ‘Rocket Boy’ and a bizarre video that resembled an audition tape for american hair rock band poison.


<object width=”425″ height=”344″><param name=”movie” value=”http://www.youtube.com/v/kfyRgdFH4Tc&hl=en&fs=1″></param><param name=”allowFullScreen” value=”true”></param><embed src=”http://www.youtube.com/v/kfyRgdFH4Tc&hl=en&fs=1” type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” allowfullscreen=”true” width=”425″ height=”344″></embed></object>

  It was released through the internet, so i have no idea how well it was recieved, although there were no reports in  any major news stories of the ‘Rocket Boy’ setting the world on fire.

 On a final note, i couldnt even begin to wonder what the hell was going through eveyones heads that attended this years RetroFest at Strathclyde Park, when Limahl and Kajagoogoo performed the far from classic ‘Ooh to be Aah’. Im only guessing, or hoping, that Bollocks wasnt far from their thoughts.

  As for their continual attempts at come backs and re inventions, as well as ‘Too Shy’, ‘Never Ending Story’ and, at a push ‘Big Apple’ it leaves them just out of reach of Brilliance!

Published in: on September 29, 2008 at 7:11 am  Comments (1)  

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Published in: on September 28, 2008 at 10:44 am  Leave a Comment