The further adventures of the Crown Quiz!

 If theres one thing thats consistant about the Crown, and in this case, the Crown Quiz, is how consistantly wrong the people are who attend it.

  Theres hardly a week goes by where theres always some person or other, hurling abuse my way about how wrong i am and that research is something that i should start taking up for a living.
 
  Well, far be it from me to actually take up the research offer, and then have to prove all these quiz eggheads wrong, but……………………..

 This week friendly arguing started when i asked “what was the title of the first James Bond film. from 1962?”

 straight away i could see the strains on peoples faces as they almost burst their heads open like that old film ‘scanners’, trying to grab my attention and point out what, they thought was wrong with my question.
   
  “is that the one with george lazenby or david niven”? asked someone.
  
  well, did i ask if it was?

 i asked what was the first james bond film?

 Then i had someone shaking his head saying, ‘well casino royale was the first one and not dr no.’
   even after i said that casino royale wasn’t an offical james bond film and was a spoof based on an ian fleming novel, he, and some other people were adamant that i was wrong.
 
   Well, just to let you guys know. ‘Casino Royale’ (the original SPOOF james bond version of this film, starring david niven), was released in 1967.
   Thats 5 years after Dr. No.
    So you see, all that hassle and what i had said was right all along.

 Next one, where everyone, apart from some random old guy who wasnt even doing the quiz, told me i was wrong, was when i asked…..
 
   ‘in the comic books, KATHY KANE is the alter-ego of which superhero?’

  The  correct answer (and i now have the proof to back it up) is BATWOMAN.

  The now familiar sound of  “No it isnnae” could be heard coming in my direction from various parts of the pub, with most people ‘assuring me’ it was Catwoman.
   Even with myself telling them that Catwoman and Batwoman were two totally different characters, everyone still disbelieved me.
  
  So i had to tell everyone that i would definetely research this and if i was wrong i would give everyone a little bit of paper with ‘1 point’ written on it to make them feel better. Not that it would do them any good with actually getting an extra point, but at least it would have given me some peace.
   Anyway, no one guessed Batwoman, so it didnt affect the scores.

 Oh, and just to set the record straight guys, SELINA KYLE is Catwoman. so im gonna have fun telling everyone how wrong they were at the next quiz. Meoow!

 So the eventual winners last night of the drinks vouchers were THE SOILED PANTIES, who have previously been know as THE BEEF CURTAINS.

 With which one persons parting shot was……”oh! i prefer the Beef Curtains to the Soiled Panties”!!!!!!!!!!!

 Dont we all.

 More fun next week, im sure.

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Published in: on October 15, 2008 at 6:45 am  Leave a Comment  

How?

 
could a quiet tuesday night quiz turn into an all night drinking thingy?

and apart from the usual brainless quiz stuff, like people thinking that liam neeson was the star of the naked gun trilogy, and that john collins, the scottish footballer looks like john travolta, and then someone arguing i was wrong once i told them.
and a mini riot about who was the first black woman to win an oscar…..

….our survey says…….halle berry…although some idiot was saying it was ‘hattie’ from ‘gone with the wind’!!!!!!….?????

then someone saying that halle berrry wasnt really black, or as they said in their own words….’not as black as whoopi”!…….whoops indeed!

then i ended up meeting a mate for a few drinks, that lasted all night, and as well as making a bad decision on trying squid at 5 oclock this morning (i only had 1 but theres still a fishy taste in my mouth).

and also the two of us, bizarrely watching the tele when the sign language people came on and this woman was signing away to some dodgy scottish accent people (who at one point even had subtitles), trying to sign to us about the ups and downs of catching fish in choppy weather.

nearly bloody fell asleep on the bus again.

oh well, made it to work,should be a long one ha

but on the plus side, jodie had an EXCELLENT parents night last night.

i really couldnt be any happier about the glowing report the teacher gave her, apart from fearing that she may take some of it back when the ex started opening her mouth and muttering like someone that was heading for remedial class!

at least i had the descency to smile, nod, casually say the odd word of agreement and bask in the glory that jodie is far more intelligent, in more ways that one, than her combined parentage.

Have i ever mentioned that i may be slightly insane?

Published in: on October 8, 2008 at 8:30 am  Leave a Comment  

Marvin Gaye and his masturbatory ways!

 What you’re about to read might seem like a wild work of fiction, but in hindsight makes total sense. Well it does in my world anyway.

 Once again finding myself in the crown, wondering what the fucks going on as the cd player churns out another atrotious crime vaguely masquarading as music, i was more than pleasantly surprised to hear the legendary Marvin Gaye come on.

 A pure talent if ever there was one i was compelled to unleash my story of how he sings like such an angel, and also how the karaoke world would be a better place if they all applied marvins unique singing preparations to their kamakaize karaoke lives.

 I also watched an open mouthed jake, one of the karaoke hosts from the crown, as my story unfolded.

  I told them the true story (search for it and you shall find) of how, just before marvin would go into the studio to lay down his vocals for whatever motown classic he was about to sing on, that he would always nip to the toilet for a quick wank.

 Now you may feel that this sounds prepostorous, and just a little vulgar, but as he always ended up singing like an angel, its also a valid point that many other would be singers should actually think about, and maybe vigoursly pursue.

 The main reason for the great mans actions were all about how if you were in the raging throws of passion, once the almighty climax had appeared, you’re left in such an utter state of pleasure that theres nothing left within you, apart from utter joy that when you sing, its nothing but pure emotion that comes out.

 This action always lent a ‘helping hand’ to many motown classics, such as ‘I heard it through the grapvine’, ‘can i get a witness’, ‘the onion song’, and the amazing ‘abraham, martin and john’.

 

Has anybody here, seen my old friend John –
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
He freed a lot of people, but it seems the good die young
But I just looked around and he’s gone.

  Well already people were in disbelef of my story, but i confidently soldiered on, telling jake that if everyone that came into the crown actually followed in marvins footsteps the listening pleasure of the karaoke would increase dramastically.

 I also mentioned that have you ever noticed that throughout a night at the karaoke that the more time people get up to sing, and after a few visits to the toilet, that they improved immensly.

  So i can honestly say, whole heartedly that the bigger wanker you are, the better singer you will become.

 

 If you dont believe me, give it a try.

Published in: on October 5, 2008 at 12:28 pm  Leave a Comment  

Motherfucker!!!???!!!

 
It looks like a new avenue has opened up for me as a real live Motherfucker!

if i took this up, whats the pay package like? is there some sort of bonus scheme? what kind of tax code would i be on?

i opened up my bebo page to find 3 messages waiting for me. wow, i thought, im mr popular today.

message number 1………….

Hi cutie! Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?

My mom is single again and she wants to find a guy she can have fun with. Her idea of a great first date would include wine, flowers, cheesecake, coffee and some dancing. Maybe you have a better idea, what would you propose? Don’t hold back, she’s the adventurous type! She’s not looking for a one-night stand however, sorry. She loves to laugh, so maybe throw a couple of jokes her way 🙂 I’m sure you will find her very attractive. She hates wearing too much makeup or perfume. She has perfect skin and an hourglass figure. She loves the color blue. If you’re looking for an outgoing, fun and easy-going woman, then reply back, don..t be shy.
Since this is my account though, please send your reply to her email address at lisa_thorsted at yahoo. com.

fuck the cheesecake for a start, that would be my first proposal.

and an hourglass figure, wow, someone to tell me when my eggs are ready.

then message number 2……………………

Hello, how are you? My mom read your dating ad and would like to meet you.

If you write back, you should email her at lisa_vignocchi at yahoo. com.

She would like to date and if you hit it off, she’d like to play it by ear. She’s been single for a while now and wants a new start. Her sort of guy would enjoy many of the things she does. She loves television, dancing, reading, going to bars, catching movies and listening to music. She also loves shopping and traveling. She has a youthful appearance and a gorgeous body.
She always complains that she does not get adequate exercise! I hope you can help her 😉

That’s it for me! It’s your turn stud.
Thanks!

adequate excercise!!!! may i suggest she gets on her fucking bike, or even take a hike!

and finally message number 3……………………………

Hi sweetie! Her lips are skittles, wanna taste the rainbow?

You’re hard to miss! I was browsing the site with my mother; she’s looking for a fun guy to date. We saw your profile page and fell in lust. She really likes you and wants to meet. She’s been single for a few months. She briefly tried the dating scene, but she wasted her time. She’s looking for a man that won’t play head games or who is not a cheater. She’s beautiful and is a bit of a flirt. She loves to go out and to have a good time. She also likes to watch television and movies, but she needs some doses of physical activity. She has plenty of interests, you can discuss them with her, I know you’ll have some in common. She’s original, compassionate and outgoing. BTW, this is not her account, so please don’t reply directly to my message.
Instead, send your reply to her email address at lisa_dantzler_g at yahoo. com.

her lips are like skittles!!!! now theres a line to bowl someone over.

and she fell in lust with my profile!!! what????
did her guide dog go barking fucking mad or something like that.

now im up for a bit of adventure and this is at least a new one, obviously all the sex crazed nigerian woman are hibernating at the moment.

call me mad, but i havent added any of these email addresses, but if any of you guys want to give it a go, feel free. and dont worry, i wont tell anybody.

Mums the word! ha

but wouldnt i be cool if someone called you a motherfucker and you could reply “why yes, i am a motherfucker, so any time youre not running back to mommy crying into her shoulder, just give me a shout and i’ll come round and help her out”

had to share this with you guys.

over and motherfucking out!!!!!!

Published in: on September 29, 2008 at 11:14 pm  Leave a Comment  

You can get it all, in Senegal!

 Have you ever had one of those crazy e-mails from god knows where around the world, from a total stranger telling you how that, even though you havent met, your paths had been crossed by destiny a long time ago. And that they feel after spending all of 30 seconds browsing your picture on the internet that they believe its time to pack up and head over to be with you for the rest of their lives.

  And more importantly, does anyone ever fall for it?

 now you may indulge them for a laugh, as i’ve done in the past, but it soon gets down to the nitty gritty and you’re being asked to put some money into a bank account or arrange to send some money out. Are these people mental?

 Its time we turned the tables and played them at their own game.

 I decided to take one of these emails up on their offer and sent my reply.

 I’m not sure how far away Senegal is, but i still havent heard anything back from dear old Helen.

ENJOY………………………….

…………..”hello
My name is helen, i saw your profile today and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you more,and if you can send an email to my email address,i will give you my pictures here is my email address (helenwilliams4you@yahoo.

com) I believe we can move from here! Awaiting for your mail to my email address above helen

and my reply would be……..

dear helen, i was looking through thousands of pages and came across yours, you stuck out instantly (although you dont even have a photo)
i was thinking that we are destiny, dont bother moving, im coming over to senegal to be with you.

ive got fuck all money, and just packed in my job, but im sure there will be room enough for the two of us and our 16 children in your air conditioned hut.

no point sending you an email or photo, im boarding the plane right now, and will be there before you know it.

get the dinner on honey!!!
 Its all Bollocks! We know its all a money scam and not really some hot thing so mentally deranged that one look at our mug shots has them instantly wetting their pants.

Published in: on September 29, 2008 at 12:41 pm  Comments (1)